Adventures In My Dirty Thirties

  I met my first husband when I was 20. To this day I can’t remember the moment we met. I guess somethings aren’t big enough for your brain to deem them worthy of space…

We dated for 5 years and got Married in the later part of May, 1997. I’m not even sure of the date anymore…

I was so young and ingorant as to how to be prepared for marriage. I thought I was happy, so I guess for that time in my life I was.

It didnt take long to figure out that I had made a mistake. I was not his wife, I was his mother, cook, maid, and chauffeur when he was drunk, which was every day. I spent my nights alone, while he drank with his friends. My other option was to go out and drink beer with him, trying to gain a little attention from him. This plan only led to me gaining 40 pounds. I spent a year and a half sitting in dark bars drinking high calorie beer, eating fried food and smoking.  I finally got a good look in the mirror one morning, and cried. I was fat, I had fat dimples all over my body, my hair looked like shit from all the unhealthy things I had lived on. My skin was all broken out from the greasy food, everything I owned smelled like smoke, and my eyes were outlined with black circles from drinking everyday.

After my little crying breakdown, I joined a gym. I quit drinking everyday.I quit eating fried foods. I worked out 4 times a week. I lost 45 pounds from August to December, which got me down to 5 pounds thinner than my wedding day.

We went to a New Year’s Eve party with friends at a local hotel. Our friends had not realized how much weight I had lost until that night. Everyone stared when I walked in, One of my husband’s friends told me I looked great, and that he was proud of how dedicated I had been to losing the weight. My husband’s reply to this comment was this …” Yeah but she needed to, her ass was huge”.  All of our friends just stared at him. Noone knew what to say. He had never said a word about me losing weight, except for this one horribly embarrassing moment. I wasn’t embarrassed for the comment, as much as I was embarrassed to realize the dumbass I was married to. I was mad as hell at him for the husband that he was.

Five months later I left him and moved in with friends. He didnt notice I was gone for two days. I guess that’s how the fuzzy world of an alcoholic works. When he finally realized I was gone, he called looking for me. Our conversation was less than 5 minutes. I told him I couldn’t live like that, I didn’t want to live in a bar. I wanted to have a family, and be able to spend time with my husband. He said he wasn’t going to stop the way he lived. So there it is, I wasn’t as important as a bar stool and a beer. It’s a lovely way to realize where you stand with your husband.

A month later, I had found an apartment on the lake with a pool. There was a peacefullness there that I hadn’t felt in a long time. It was just me, taking care of just myself and catching up on some well deserved rest.

Three months later, I made a big decision. I filed for divorce. I realized that I couldn’t be mad at him forever. He was the same as he always was, it was who he was. I had married young, thinking we would both want to settle down eventually and build our life together. I was more mad at myself for not thinking things through clearly.

Three months after leaving him, I was in a much better place in my life. I spent more time with friends and family. I was back to feeling like me again.

I was at my Mom’s house on a Sunday night, just spending time with her and talking. I decided to stop at a local bar in town, one that always had a party on Sunday nights with a great band. I was there for a couple of hours, making new friends and listening to the wonderful music. There he was, he walked in and walked up to the group. I can tell you exactly where I stood when I saw him. He was the most georgeous man I had ever seen. I had just enough beer in me to have the courage to talk to him.  We talked for the next hour, until the band stopped playing.  We decided to meet at the next bar down the street. We talked  for the next several hours, until that bar closed too.  He told me he was worried about me driving so far after drinking, and that I should stay at his house. At the time, I thought he was so sweet to be concerned about me getting home. Looking back on it now, it makes me laugh that story worked on me.

I can tell you what clothes we had on, what time we met, where we were standing, the weather that day…It was one of the best days of my life. Seveal years later, we are married with a child that looks just like my wonderful husband. He is my life and the reason I try to be a better person. He is the reason I love my life and all the possibilites that can be. He is the reason everyday of my life is happy and safe. There is nowhere in the world like laying in bed in his arms. He is my husband, my lover and my best friend. He knows me better than anyone. I can’t imagine my life without him.

Did I love my first husband? I guess in some way, I did. I have to admit, if I had not been married previously, I would have never appreciated the incredible man I have in my life now. I think you have to have the rough times and bad people in your life to make you love the really good times and great people even more.

No matter how long my husband and I are alive, and even beyond that, my love for him is endless. I owe all the wonderful things in my life to him.